Agoraphobia, is basically a extreme anxiety in which you are uncomfortable being in public settings, or for some people alone in your home. I am more of an introvert, and prefer my own company, and this is a hard journey for me. Over the past 5 years, the agoraphobia has worsened, and it has underwent many changes over the last 3 years. I have two children... a 5 year old and a 3 year old. Now, to a person who isn't knowledgeable, they may say that my children caused my anxiety, but that isn't right. My children are and so far have been raised by a working father and me, a stay at home mom. My therapist thinks that I have always been a bit of a loner, and for this fact, when I decided to stop working and be a SAHM, I worsened my anxiety. It has been said that I always wanted to simply stay home, which is true, but a responsible adult, unless fortunate, has to work. I was forced to work, and since I was, I had to adjust to the circumstances which were my anxiety. But since I didn't have to work anymore, the anxiety took a hold on me. I'm sure this wouldn't have been the situation, had I had a lot of friends, and could go out to social functions with my child under toe, but that wasn't the case. I stayed home, due to being poor, and the fact that I am rather antisocial. I stayed home, and made excuses for not going anywhere. Even a simple trip to a store to pick up milk or a doctor visit for your sick kid have become a large source of tension in me. I struggle with it all.
This may seem like i am just simply crazy, but that is not the case. Yes, the anxiety is in my head, but I also have IBS, and when I am forced to face something that is out of my comfort range, my bowels start to rumble, and in some circumstance I can't leave the bathroom. This is embarrassing and a large part of me thinks that this is why I am so uncomfortable with the idea of leaving my home. I don't want to be this way, but I am afraid of evacuating my bowels in a public forum. Due to this embarrassment, I will avoid all situations, for fear that someone will knock on the door, or someone will comment, or even the dreaded fear, that I will crap myself. Sure, some of you are probably chuckling, but you have no idea what it is like to not have any control over your bodies, and when I say no control...I mean none. IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), is essentially a disease that is clinically diagnosed. Some people say there is surgery to treat it, and most people who live with it know that this is not the case. D&C is the extreme I have (diarrhea and constipation) and what this does is, when I am forced to be somewhere that I am uncomfortable, or I eat something that is a trigger food that will irritate my bowels, I will encounter one of these situations. You may think that this isn't a big deal, but to a person who is so uncomfortable doing something that they start to have bowel sounds and horrible discomfort, this is a big deal. I don't like living this way, and I truly do hope that someone can help me.
I am blogging this in hopes that it helps me cope, and so if someone out there has these problems as well they don't feel alone, cause I am here....always. Everyday is a struggle, and my husband is as understanding as one can expect, but most people don't understand and think that laying guilt trips and telling me to "suck it up" will help me cope. This won't help, and more often than not, it worsens the stress and symptoms. I'm 30 years old, I have one sibling, both of my parents are alive, and I have bunches of cousins, aunts and uncles and they all have kids too, and yet I still can't bring myself to go to any family holiday with them. Too many people, make me freak out. The nicest people, my own family, dental appointments, car rides, shopping trips and sometimes even therapy trigger me into having IBS symptoms, or merely a horrible panic attack.
To be continued....
